Letters From a Young Catholic

My reflections as a Catholic young adult passionate about the Faith, seeking to grow in knowledge and understanding of God and discerning the will of the Lord in my life.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

chaos strikes again

As I sit here on my bed with my laptop warming my lap, I can see my agenda sitting on my desk full of things to do. Nothing of which is getting done. Welcome to the life of a university student. What should I be doing right now you may ask? Well, I've got "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius to read for Philosophy, "Catholic Moral Theology" by Pinckaers to read for, you guessed it, Moral Theology, "The Song of Roland" to read for Medieval French Literature, a couple of essays to write, a Spanish test tomorrow, a Catechism lesson plan to make, well. . . you get the gist of it. Life is crazy busy. But the problem is it's my own fault. And if only I effectively used my time, then I could get it all done. Unfortunately, that's not the case. I'm a pretty split personality in that I procrastinate and yet I'm a perfectionist. That means I get four hours of sleep a night because I go to bed super late and get up super early so that I have time do everything well once I get around to it. I need more hours in my day. Or I need to figure out a balance. I am so busy. For instance, today I left my house at 7:00am and didn't get back 'til 7:30pm and now I have to attack my reading, essays, studying, etc... I thank God that attending a small Catholic college I have the opportunity to step outside of the chaos of my life and retreat into the chapel to spend time in silence with Him before the Blessed Sacrament. But even then, my worries, concerns, preoccupations, and anxieties follow me there. It's even harder when I'm trying to figure out what God is calling me to in life.

Here is the synopsis of the state of my life right now:


Well, in the midst of all that, I also do volunteer work - which I find is a good thing, it reminds me to stay focused outwards, seeking to serve first God and then others before myself.

The problem is I feel that the state of my prayer life right now consists of:
"God, give me some direction." Then I don't listen. "God tell me what to do." Then I don't listen. "God, what are you calling me to?" Then I don't listen.

It's not the snobby-thirteen-year-old kind of "I don't listen," (although to God it may even seem that way). It's the "I'm too busy to step back, quiet my soul, and listen to what God is saying," kind of "I don't listen." I'm actually quite frustrated right now because there's nothing I'd rather have than a letter drop from the sky with instructions on what God wants me to do. I obviously want to do God's will, but really, I don't know what it is. I'm sure he's probably screaming it in my ear right now, but maybe I suffer from a self-inflicted hearing impediment, otherwise known as over-extention, preoccupation, and stress.

Sometimes I wish I could just run away and drop everything. I don't think I can really hear where God is calling me in the midst of all this chaos.

Today, on the Feast of St. Francis of Assisi, I wish I had the guts to be as radical as him and just drop everything, my life as I know it, to go follow God's call on my life. Really, all this chaos and business is quite pointless if it doesn't fit into God's perfect plan for me.